Monday Morning At Satan’s Abode

out for the kill, but there's a way to blunt the blades

out for the kill, but there’s a way to blunt the blades

Devil          Did you see what she did? She began to move us back with her prayers. Her praises shook our very foundations. I’ve got to put a stop to this.

Demons    Kill her.

Devil         Can’t. She’s protected by the Lord. There are too many angels surrounding her anyway.

Demon     Strike her down with an illness.

Devil        You kidding? She’ll have more time to pray then. She’ll prop herself up in bed, get out her wretched book and start  proclaiming healing scriptures. Then that will ignite a flame inside her to start proclaiming other things over her life.

Oh no, she’s finished her chores and she’s coming upstairs…to praise and pray…in tongues!

Demons   Oh master, that’s the worst of all. We don’t know what she is saying and once she starts, the Holy Spirit gives her strength to continue! Besides, tongues are full of what He wants and contains no blubbering, selfishness, own will and distractions. Can’t you make her have an accident?

Devil         Well…it’s funny you should say that. What hits a parent harder than an attack on themselves? Attacking their precious children, of course. She’s not prayed for protection for her family yet. This morning God woke her early to seek him, but she was too tired to get up and so stayed in bed until it was time to rush around doing the school run. And when she got home, we managed to convince her again to get her priorities muddled up, so she began tidying up the kitchen instead of going into her prayer closet.

Demon     Yea, and wasn’t it good of me to show her all that dirt that she hadn’t noticed before? It delayed her even longer. And I really laughed when she glanced at the oven door on her way out. What a hoot to see her turn back and grab the cloth.

Devil        Well done. That works every time. So, what I had in mind was, to make her little girl have an accident so bad that it demands hospital attention. And at the same time, we’ll hit on a few others so that the casualty department will be busier than usual. That will keep her away from God for a while. The whole day in fact – she doesn’t do evenings. Gets distracted doing irrelevant things that have no effect on the kingdom, no eternal value, and by the time she picks up her bible, she’s falling asleep on the chair.

Demon      But surely she will be talking to God and asking him to heal her little girl and comfort her?

Devil         Oh, they’ll just be quick, panicky prayers but very weak ones, as I shall fill her with guilt and I’ll also try to put doubts in her mind about God’s protection.

Demon     Couldn’t you just kill the girl? Gone on, make her have a fatal head injury.

Devil        There’s nothing I’d like better but, I don’t have authority to take her life. There are angels protecting her and even when I make her fall, there will probably be one underneath her head to make sure she doesn’t get concussed. Blooming father! Always asking God for her protection! Always stroking her brow and praying prayers over her life.

Demon     So you gonna do it then Master? Come on, come on, before she starts to pray.

Devil        Chill! She hasn’t even warmed up in praise yet. Look, there are no vapours ascending to Heaven – she’s still thinking about herself.

Demon     Well, when you do it, can I help?

Devil       Yes. I will do the physical damage and you can work on the girl’s mind and emotions. Find some fickle, insensitive teacher who will stand over her after it happens and declare that she thinks her nose is broken. That will not only put fear into the girl’s heart but it will help make a lasting bad memory.

Demon    And because she’s a teacher, she has spiritual authority over her, so if she proclaims it enough times, it could actually come to pass?

Devil       Umm.. I’m not sure we’ll get away with that one, for as soon as her stupid mother hears about the accident, she’ll start praying that her nose is not broken and it will counteract the teacher’s words. But we’ll give it a go anyway. The more damage the better.

Demon    Wow! That was some fall! You managed to hold her hands back so she couldn’t protect herself. Right on her nose! That will hurt! Yippee! They will be in the hospital the whole day. Great job Master!

Devil       Yes, I love it when a plan comes together. But what is this? Husband and wife talking nicely to each other, sharing lunch in the waiting room and praying silently for their daughter? Unity! I simply HATE unity! The mother’s gone all humble and soft and is agreeing on everything. She’s even walked off to the canteen and left her husband in charge! She is showing trust! She’s letting her husband speak to the doctor all by himself!

Demon    But husband’s forget things. They are not into detail like mums.

Devil      She doesn’t care. She’s allowing him to be the head of the family and showing complete trust in him. Ugggh! This tragedy is bringing them together. They will get home later and all pray together like one big, yukky Christian family. Uggh! I want to spit at someone!

Demon    So…your plan didn’t really work then Master? The mother’s realised the ‘First Things First’ principle and is going to seek the Lord at the beginning of the morning. And the child feels more secure because she did not expect her daddy to rush from work and spend the rest of the day with her. On top of that, her nose is probably not broken and now the child is excited about going back for an xray. As for the mother, who is far too observant for my liking, she spent the entire afternoon pointing out how hundreds of people are in worse situations, and have no hope because they don’t know Jesus. Yuk yuk yuk! Why does she always have to do that? It’s like this entire experience was a relaxing holiday for them! That’s not normal!

Devil       No practising Christian is normal. They talk to a man they can’t see, in a language they don’t understand and….

Demon    Master, look out!

Devil      Agh! Sickening, absolutely sickening! She’s singing songs again and proclaiming that Jesus is Lord of all the earth. She’s quoting that verse that I detest:

“God gave Christ the highest place and honoured his name above all others. So that at the name of Jesus, everyone will bow down, those in Heaven, those on Earth and those under the Earth. And to the glory of God the Father, everyone will openly agree, that Jesus Christ is Lord.”

How I hate it when people know the truth!

Right, it’s time to slash through her wrist and make it hurt so bad she’ll think it’s permanently damaged. Then at least she can’t write about me and tell the whole World Wide Web what a clutz I am. She won’t be able to assure her friends on the internet that her sweet babe is fine now and how grateful she is to God for his ultimate protection. That, (wretch) it, (wretch) could, (wretch) have, (wretch) been, (wretch) worse. (voomph!)

Aggh! I don’t want people to know my strategies and to discover that I’m a perfect clot. Some don’t even believe I exist… except at Halloween.

Demon   Well, that’s not to far away, is it Master?

Devil      Umm, yes let’s give up with those three for a while and find some fools who think that dressing their kids up to look like my minions is just harmless fun. Come on you, we’ve got work to do.

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6 thoughts on “Monday Morning At Satan’s Abode

  1. Pingback: Newsflash: Dead Men Walking | Light-bites For Your Heart

  2. Pingback: How To Not Scream At Your Keyboard | Light-bites For Your Heart

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