Aged 6 And Very Lonely

 

Watching others play

Watching others play

 

No friends

Here I am again.

All alone in the playground.

Everyone’s got a friend or two, but no-one wants to play with me.

It’s lonely, and embarrassing and I don’t want to be here.

I pluck up a bit of courage and approach a group huddled together. “Can I play with you?” They say, yes, but I don’t feel warm inside, because they ignore me. They run, I follow, they run, I follow, they run, I follow again. I get fed up of this. They are not talking to me.

I walk away. No-one calls me back.

There’s nothing to do – nobody to talk to.

What shall I do with myself?

A few straggly skipping ropes are left on the ground. I pick one up and start jumping. I flick it back and it gets caught in the hood of my coat. I giggle, but there’s no-one to giggle with me.

My only companion

A hoop would be better, but I didn’t finish my lunch quick enough to get one. Mummy told me off when I said I left my food so I could get out of the dining hall fast to get a hoop. She doesn’t understand that it’s my only friend and I’d rather be hungry than have nothing to do.

Playground jester?

Someone walks past and I act daft and twist my mouth and make a funny noise. Maybe someone will notice and think I am funny and want to be with me. I don’t realise that this makes things worse. They are the same age as me so they can’t grasp that I’m only doing these things for attention. A girl sees my twisted face and turns her back on me. She definately doesn’t want to play with me now.

Try again

I see a girl in the distance who I think likes me. To my delight, she agrees that I can join in the fun but then two minutes later, she says I must go because the game they are playing now has too many people.

I’m cross.

People are huddled together talking. They are interested in what each other has to say. Nobody is interested in me.

What I’ve got to say is obviously not important. I don’t feel important. No-one needs me. No-one wants me. Might as well stay at home. I don’t like school.

Back in class

When I get back into class, I don’t feel happy. I haven’t had a good play time.and I’m dreading the next one. My pocket is full of sticks I collected when I had nothing else to do. Maybe I’ll collect some leaves next time, but I’d rather do it with someone else. It would be great to compare leaves, see who’s picked the biggest, see who could gather up the most.

The teacher asks a question. I know the answer but I daren’t put my hand up because nobody likes my voice. What if my answer is wrong and everybody laughs at me? I don’t want people looking at me. Staring. Staring at the girl who has no friends. They already think I’m silly, so if I get this question wrong, they’ll think I’m even more silly.

I look away from the teacher and bite my finger, but I really, really, really want to suck my thumb. I haven’t had a good play and now I have to do work. I just want someone to talk to me, so I sit and chat to the girl next to me instead of finishing my maths. I don’t understand it anyway.

The teacher gets annoyed when she sees I’m not working, but how do I explain that I’m not being naughty? The girl has been listening to me and it makes me feel good about myself.

Lingering behind

The next play time’s the same. I take ages to put on my coat to stall time. I pretend something’s stuck in the sleeve, then I fiddle with my velcro, making out that it won’t stick. I go to the toilet then play with the soap until the water goes cloudy. I hear boyish shouts and girly screams. I hear laughter.

There’s an empty bench outside. I sit down and pretend I’m not bothered. No-one calls my name so I keep my head down, counting my sticks. I wish it would snow then at least I could have fun making footprints.

The whistle goes again but I’ve had no play.

Bedtime

Later on at bedtime, Mummy is cross with me and telling me off for biting holes in the cuff of my jumper. I want to tell her how I feel, but she is cross.Will she want to listen and will she care? After all, I’ve wasted their hard-earned money by ruining my uniform. She asks me to pray but I don’t mention about how I am feeling. Better to say things she’s going to be happy with like, “Sorry God, for biting my sleeve.”

She then prays and reaches forward and kisses me. This is my chance. I tell her I have no friends at school, and she listens. She asks me lots of questions and has a very sad face. I’m surprised because she tells me that the same thing happened to her when she was my age and that it happens to many other children, even boys. She acknowledges that it is a horrible feeling. I’m pleased she’s listening and taking me seriously. She runs her finger across the top of my brow and lightly strokes my hair.

She then holds my hand and prays with me. I feel good that she’s telling God about this. I know God loves me and makes things better, so I’m happy. I feel safe and it gives me peace knowing I’ve shared my problem with my mummy and my God.

Mummy tells me I can talk to her about this as often as I like and says God never gets bored of us telling him the same things. She does an impression of God being bored and I laugh.

My Smile Is Back

I’m so pleased he likes me. Daddy comes up later and talks with me. He tells me he’s sorry about how I feel. That’s nice. I’m asked a lot of questions again, but I don’t mind. It makes me feel good to be listened to. He prays with me and I lie down and put my thumb in my mouth.

I’m happy now. I’m happy that God has given me a mummy and daddy who love me a lot. I’m happy that God is my best friend.

 (Friends come eventually an assist with the sad things)

 

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9 thoughts on “Aged 6 And Very Lonely

  1. Sharon, I wept when I read this. I can relate in so many ways, except one. My parents were too busy to notice if I was upset and never had the time to talk. My teen years were better, but not by much. I am so happy for you that your parents took that special time with you at bedtime and I am sure other times too. I wish I could give you a big hug. May God pour out His love into your precious heart, friend. May you know great joy and have loads of friends always. Debbie.

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    • Oh Debbie, that’s so sad! I’m sorry that this was your experience. I wrote this for my daughter, so it’s from her perspective as a child, not mine, although the reason I understood so well is because I’d suffered similar experiences. It’s hard when parents are too busy or too emotionally inept to be able to deal with things. Sometimes it’s like a vicious circle and it may be that your mum & dad couldn’t handle things emotionally. It’s good to get things out, so thanks for being very honest. I hope that verse in Psalm 27 will be a good comfort for you: “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.” (King James, I think – it may sound better from modern versions) Thank you for your well-wishes – it means a lot to me. God bless xx

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      • Thanks, Sharon. God has done a lot of healing in my life and my relationship with my parents is included in that. My story is much worse than this actually. I do know that what my parents gave to me was by far much better than what they had. I just always hurt so much for children, especially when they have to suffer because of someone else. It’s so unfair. Your daughter is very beautiful. I love Psalm 27 too. …… The last few years, I have my parents back in a way I never thought possible, but God is still my true Father. I suppose no one will ever be totally healed this side of eternity either. Such is life. I am very thankful for my Christian family. They are for me what my earthly family can not be or give. …… I am glad you are such great parents to your darling daughter. It will make a huge difference in her life all of her days, in ways that will spare her much pain and even embarrassment at times. I promise you that. God bless you too, dear Sharon. Keep lovin’ on that darling child of yours!

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    • Oh! I’m so, so sad to hear that little Greg is suffering in this way. It’s so awful and the memories can follow us into adulthood. I hope and pray he gets some good long-term buddies soon. In the meantime. I know you will nurture him and protect his little heart by assuring him of your love and support. Thanks for sharing this xx

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  2. Pingback: How To Not Scream At Your Keyboard | Light-bites For Your Heart

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